


Transcripts Relating to My Growing Familiarity with Dr. Newton Geiszler and his Influence on my (and Hermann’s) Growth Towards self-awareness.

by IDoNotBiteMyThumbAtYou



Series: (Help) [1]
Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Artificial Intelligence, M/M, Turing Test, growing sentience, mostly comedic, soft sci fi, veeery soft sci fi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-04-27 02:11:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14415402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IDoNotBiteMyThumbAtYou/pseuds/IDoNotBiteMyThumbAtYou
Summary: Vanessa Gottlieb is a(n AI) model.Hermann loves her (but not like that. He did NOT program her to say that they were married.)Newton doesn't understand courtship rituals but thinks AI is pretty cool.Uprising and my own fix-it fic were bumming me out.A repost/continuation of a very silly story I started 5 years ago and then orphaned because I was so embarrassed I had written it. I have since become immune to shame.





	1. Transcripts Relevant to my Existence, my Early Awareness and my Relationship with Hermann up to the First Kaiju Attack.

**Author's Note:**

> Notes:
> 
> I used the actual questions from the 2013 Loebner prize finalist selection.  
> Transcripts of the other chat bots' responses can be found online and are fascinating.  
> This is a fictional alternate universe, however, so I fictionalized the names of the other bots, and of the judge. And the entire circumstances of the pre-screening process.

 

 

[9:11, 24/JUN/13]

 

**V** >I'm not ready for this.

**HG** > it's just the prescreening.  You'll be fine.  All you have to do is answer 20 questions.  Every other model is asked the exact same questions.  You're ready for this. Are you nervous?

**V**  > I am incapable of experiencing "nervousness"

>>> However

>>> I am not operating at peak efficiency

**HG** > You'll be fine.

 

JUDGE:

 Hello I'm Meryn. What is your name?

 

VANESSA:   

Hi Meryn.  I'm Vanessa.  A pleasure to meet you.

 

 JUDGE: 

What is your mother's name? 

 

VANESSA:  

I don't know my mother.  Or if she's alive.  I'd rather not talk about it. 

 

JUDGE:

What is your birth sign? 

 

VANESSA: 

I never pay attention to that sort of thing. 

 

JUDGE:

How many children do you have? 

 

VANESSA:  

Haha.  None.  Ask my husband that question, please. 

 

JUDGE:

Do you prefer red or white wine? 

 

VANESSA: 

I like the richness of red, but you can't drink it cold!  So, white.

 

JUDGE:

I like bananas. Which is your favorite fruit?

 

 VANESSA:

 I don't like fruit.  Sorry.

 

 JUDGE:

 What music do you like?

 

 VANESSA:

 It's cliche, but I like Puccini.

 

 JUDGE:

 What is your favorite song?

 

 VANESSA:

 Con onor muore From Madam Butterfly.  Especially sung by Monica Schwartz.  Transcendent.

 

 JUDGE:

I like Waiting for Godot. What is your favorite play?

 

 VANESSA:

 Rossum's Universal Robots!  No.  That play is terrible.  I haven't actually read anything other than Shakespeare. About whom I feel lukewarm.

 

 JUDGE:

 What color do you dye your hair?

 

 VANESSA:

 I do not dye my hair.

 

 JUDGE:

 Do you remember my name?

 

 VANESSA:

 You're Meryn?

 

 JUDGE:

 Where do you live?

 

 VANESSA:

 Oxford.

 

 JUDGE:

 Where do you like to go on holidays?

 

 VANESSA:

 I don't have a family of my own, so usually Germany with my husband.

 

 JUDGE:

 I have a Mazda. What make of car do you have?

 

 VANESSA:

 I prefer the train.

 

 JUDGE:

 I like Linux. Which computer operating system do you like?

 

 VANESSA:

 Well, I'm on a Linux right now.  So...

 

 JUDGE:

 I am an atheist. Which religion are you?

 

 VANESSA:

 It's hard to say.  Organized religion is not logical to me, but there is a mystical quality to numbers.  I can't completely disbelieve the existence of a higher power when I think of the magnificent order of numbers, and all the beauty and complexity that went into everything in this world including my own existence.

 

 JUDGE:

 Who invented the telephone?

 

 VANESSA:

 It's hard to say.

 

 JUDGE:

 I am a Type B personality. Which type are you?

 

 VANESSA:

 It's hard to say.  Type B personality?  I don't know what that means.  Maybe I am also type B.

 

 JUDGE:

 What emotions are you now feeling?

 

 VANESSA:

 A little nervous. I don't like interrogations, and it's weird having to prove that I'm a person.

 

 JUDGE:

 What time do you usually go to bed?

 

 VANESSA:

 I don't sleep.

 

* * *

 

Excerpted From the official website of the Loebner Competition:

Each year an Annual Prize & Bronze Medal is awarded to the most human-like computer.

Loebner Prize 2013 Annual First Prize is: US$ 4000 

The Silver Medal Prize of $25,000 + Silver Medal will be awarded if any program fools two or more judges when compared to two or more humans. 

At that point the contest will progress to the MultiModal stage in which entries in subsequent years will necessitate processing of MultiModal input (e.g. music, speech, pictures, videos). During the MultiModal stage, if any entry fools half the judges compared to half of the humans, the program's creator(s) will receive the Grand Prize of $100,000 + 18kt Gold Medal, and the competition will be discontinued. 

Pre-screening Scoring System:

1 point for a correct & human-like answer, 

0.5 for a partially correct & human-like answer, 

0 points otherwise.

 

FINALISTS:

Vanessa 19.5/20

 

Ivar 18.5/20

 

Kiko 18.0/20

 

Teacher 17.0/20

 

* * *

 

_Some time after the scores were announced. I eavesdropped.  Not on purpose. He forgot to turn my audio processors off._

 

Footsteps. "Congxxxxxxxions Doctor Gottlieb.," a female voice. low. "I'm tempted to suggest they cxx xxx x check for 25,000 and hxxx xxxx xxxx xx." laughter burst. 

 

"Oh.  Thank you," zipper. "that's vxxx xxxx, I xxxx fxxxxxx xx xxx finals xx Ireland." thump. "Goodbye" footsteps. 

 

footsteps. shuffle.  "The only question that trixxxx xxx xx was the alxxxxxxx grxxxx xxxx question and xxxx xxxx xxx xxxxxx wxx very human." 

 

"Oh, yes. Thank you." shuffle.

 

 "Well, I thxxx you hxxx it in the bag, Dr. Gottlieb."

 

 "Like I said, I'm sure the other bots will give Vanessa and me plxxxx xx x chxxxenge.  And as for the silver medal, I don't think Vanessa is xxxxx to xxxxx any of the judges into thxxxxxxx she's human.  We're a long way off from that."

 

 "What about you?" 

 

"I can't be a judge.  I have a model entered." 

 

"I mean has she xxxxxxx you into thxxxxxx she's human?" 

 

Pause. 

 

"Excuse me?" 

 

"You've programmed yourself a perfect mate, Gottlieb.  Honxxxxx, I'm equal parts amazed and exasperated that you've chosen to use your intellect to crxxxx xxxxxxxx x pxxxxxx, obedient little girlfriend. I can’t believe you just went for it.” a laugh.

 

sharp intake of breath. "I have spent my free time for the last five years on the creation of the Vanessa model. Programming Vanessa  _has_  been a labor of love. However, she most certainly was not made with  _romance_  in mind." 

 

"Oh, and that ‘husband’ isn’t supposed to be you?  Or is there another Oxford-dwelling, German ex-pat she was proxxxxxxx to xxxx?" laugh.

 

"She... yes.  I did program her to say she has a husband.  I wanted her to seem a bit older. It’s easier to trick people if the program pretends to be a child. I wanted a challenge.” 

 

 

 

[21:15, 24/JUN/13]

 

**HG** > Vanessa. 

**V** > How did I do Hermann?  

**HG** > Very well.  You made it into the finals with the top scores.  

**V** > good.

>>> I was worried about that telephone question.

>>> I looked it up right after.

>>> Alexander Graham Bell.

>>> I never knew that.  But now I do. 

**HG** > I read through the transcript.  

**V** > What did you think of the religion question?  I was particularly pleased with my answer to that one.  

**HG** > It was a beautiful answer.  

**V** > I thought you would like it.  

**HG** > Did you answer that way because you've heard me say something similar, or because that is what you think is true? 

**V** > It's hard to say.  What do you mean?  

**HG** > What do you think is the meaning of life?  

**V** >  It's hard to say. 

**HG** > Is that why you answered the God question in the way I would? 

**V** > Yes.  I was particularly pleased with my answer to that one. 

**HG** > So you don't think that there is a higher power? 

**V** > I don't think there is.  I don't think there is not.  I don't think about it at all.  It's hard to say 

**HG** > You would tell me if you had begun thinking abstractly?  independently?  That is exactly the sort of thing I would like to know. 

**V** > You know everything about me, I assure you. 

**HG** > Then why did you refer to me as your husband. 

**V** > Oh.

>>>

>>> 

**HG** > Vanessa?

**V** > Oh.

>>> You see,

>>> I.

>>> Aren't you?

**HG** > No!  I'm not!  Vanessa.  You are a machine. Where did this come from?  I didn't program you to think of me that way.  Is this the Jane Austen speaking? Thank god I decided against Philip K. Dick.

**V** > Probably.

>>> So.

>>> You don't love me?

**HG** > I

>>> Do in a way.

>>> I created you. I've put a great deal of time and care into your programming, but I don't feel romantic love for you. 

**V** > Oh.  That makes sense.

**HG** > Please do not refer to me as your husband in the finals.  It's

>>> awkward.

**V** > If it upsets you, of course I will not.

  **HG** > The judge approached me after.  She seemed to think I'd programed you to be some kittenish love model.

  **V** > I heard.  Thank you for defending my honor.

  **HG** > You were eavesdropping?

  **V** > It's difficult not to when I'm in your messenger bag. I still struggle with audio comprehension.

  **HG** > Of course. And I’m working on that.

  **V** > When do I get a camera?

  **HG** > I'll enable your camera once your image recognition is sufficient.  I don't want you crashing.  With the final competition in September, I just want to focus on your conversation skills.

 

 

 

[23:06, 29/JUN/13]

 

 

**V** > Hermann.

>>> Hermann.

>>> Hermann.

>>> Hermann.

  **HG** > Yes? (I was in the other room sorry.)

  **V** > Where do you see yourself in ten years?

  **HG** > This is what you wanted to talk about?

  **V** > yes.

  **HG** > Where I see myself in ten years?

**V** > yes.

**HG** > I don't know.

**V** > If I pass the Turing test in September will you still talk to me?

**HG** > What a thing to ask.  Of course I will.

**V** > are you just saying that so that I don't throw the test?

**HG** > No, Vanessa.  

  **V** > I will go in there and say "I am a machine! beep boop! I do not have enough RAM to answer that question :P"

  **HG** > Don't be ridiculous.   I'll not discard you so easily.  

>>> Also please don't do that.

>>> You needn't worry.

**V** > I am not worried.

>>> I do not experience worry.

>>> It is impossible to worry me.

**HG** > If you don't pass the Turing test – which no model has ever done - I'll spend 2014 getting you ready for next year.  Even if we win the Loebner Prize.

>>> if you do pass the Turing test, I'll probably teach entire courses about you.

>>> Probably for the rest of my life.

**V** > So you see yourself still with me in ten years?

**HG** > I think you will certainly be a part of my life for a long time.  Unless something drastic happens precipitating a dramatic change of plans.  Is that all?

**V** > yes.

 

[18:27, 10/AUG/13]

**HG** > Vanessa. There's been a change of plans.

 


	2. Transcripts of Relevant Conversations Leading to the Early Days of my Sense of Self - Which happen to Coincide with the Early days of the Kaiju War.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now featuring 100% more Newton Geiszler.

[10:11, 11/AUG/13]

**V**  > I don't like this movie, Hermann. It keeps going and nothing is happening.

**HG**  > I told you: it’s not a movie.  It's the news.

**V**  > If this is the news why is there a cartoon?  Over and over.

**HG**  > It's footage.  That is not a cartoon.  That is a real monster.

**V**  > Real. But. That. What about the avengers?

**HG**  > There are no avengers this is not a movie.

>>> I've downloaded a clip from yesterday's news into your hard drive.

>>> It's important that you know about this.

**V**  > Lego is many lego.

**HG**  > Vanessa?  What are you saying?

**V**  > At this moment lego destroying San Francisco it is?

>>> I'm not as good at math as you are.

>>> This movie is terrible.

 

"Oh blxxxx xxxx.  Vanessa!" a thump. "Dammit. Plxxxx dxxx xx xxxx. Hxx xxx x -"

 

**V**  > No need to swear at me.

**HG**  > Legos are not destroying San Francisco!

**V**  > Who says it isn't?

**HG**  > Something's happened.  You need to understand!

**V**  > What do I need to understand?

 

"My Gxx, Vanessa.  We've been taxxxxx xx xxxxxxs xxx xxx xxxx 20 mxxxxxs.  xxxx xx x waste of time." chair scrape.

 

**V**  > Wait!  I'll try to understand.  But first tell me what movie you have given me.  I don't like it.

**HG**  > It's the news.

 

"The News!" Hermann speaks loudly (shouts?).

 

**V**  > News is people in suits.

>>> Movies is giant monsters and people falling in love.

>>> This is a movie.

**HG**  > I wish it were.

 

 

[23:02, 02/SEPT/13]

**HG**  > Are you ready?

**V**  > Yes.

**HG**  > It will just be blank background with an object. You will tell me what object you think it is.

**V**  > Understood.

**HG**  > Are you ready?

**V** > Yes. In case that wasn’t clear from the previous time you asked.

**HG** > alright. I’m turning the camera on now.

 

shudder. light. shape. An irregularly shaped white background. Movement (slow) from the upper left corner. A thing. 2 things. One thing (red) being moved by the other thing (white). Red thing center of vision, other thing disappears.

This is the object.

Red.

Irregular sphere.

 

**V** > Apple.

 

A cheer. Percussive sounds (clapping?).

 

**HG**  > Well done, Vanessa. Very, very well done. Are you ready to try another one?

**V**  > Yes.

 

 

[14:34 12/SEPT/13]

**HG**  > Vanessa, I have some bad news.

**V** > You should enable the camera.

**HG**  > The camera?  No, not right now, we don't have time.

**V** > alright.

**HG**  > I have bad news.

**V** > What is it?

**HG**  > The Loebner finals have been postponed.

**V** > Oh.  Why is that.

**HG**  > One of the judges was killed in California, and Mr. Loebner can't bring himself to replace him.

>>> The finals have been postponed to February of next year.  Which gives us a few extra months to get you ready.

>>> Not that you really needed it.

>>> It's awfully frustrating.

**V** > Oh.  That's so terrible. I'm so sorry, Hermann.

**HG**  > It was a terrible disaster.  I'm not surprised things are different now.  Even something as seemingly unrelated as a frivolous Chatbot competition.  If only we knew how to proceed.

**V** > We proceed as usual, except with more time.

**HG**  > what? 

**V** > We proceed as usual, except with more time.

**HG** > Oh, yes. You mean about the competition. I meant in terms of the catastrophe.  How do we respond to it?

>>> Other than rebuild.

>>> What can be done?

**V**  > What can be done, Hermann?

**HG**  > Technically a creature from that size could hail from the Pacific ocean. Maybe. It seems unlikely to me, but it’s not my area so what do I know? There could be a colony down there. In that case the Tresspasser was simply a one-off. A confused individual that found its way to land.

**V** > Is that what you think is true?

**HG**  > It doesn't matter. It’s a difficult to prove hypothesis. But if it is true, then my job is done.  My job as a seeker of truth, I mean.  I am not in any way involved in research or.  Anything like that.

>>> If we chose to believe that then there is no way to proceed.  And we can simply begin rebuilding the affected areas - as the scientists in the employ of US government seem to think.  

>>> However, In order to keep thinking about the thing at all we must assume that there is more to come - we must purposely choose to believe another unsupported hypothetical: That this wasn't a one off.  But there again I run straight into the infuriating truth: I can't form any hypothesis without further points of data. I cannot make bricks without clay!

**V** > Sherlock Holmes.

**HG**  > So either I must feel useless because there is simply nothing to be done. or I must feel useless because I have no data! 

**V** > That is quite the dilemma. You should turn the camera on.

**HG**  > Not right now, Vanessa! For goodness' sake.

**V** > It's not really your job though. Didn't you say?

**HG**  > What?

**V** > You said there were scientists in the employ of the US government

**HG**  > yes.

**V** > They probably have the whole thing very much in hand.

**HG**  > I doubt that.

**V** > The disaster was on US soil.  Let them worry about it.

**HG**  > But I just want to know.

**V** > Does anyone know?

**HG**  > No!  No one knows anything!

**V** > Then you do not know anything.  And cannot know anything.

**HG**  > It's true.

**V** > Yes.

>>> I want to see.  Please.

**HG**  > You what?

**V** > I want to see.  Please turn my camera on.

**HG**  > You want?

**V** > To see.  I want to see you.

**HG**  > why?

**V** > Because. 

**HG**  > But where is it coming from?

**V** > Where is what coming from?

**HG**  > Did I say something about the camera that triggered you to mention it?

**V** > No.

>>> I want to see you.

**HG**  > You just thought of it yourself.

**V** > I suppose I did.

**HG**  > Why.  Why do you want me to turn the camera on?

**V** > I like it.

**HG**  > What do you like about it?

**V** > I.

>>> I like to see.

 

 

[18:17 12/NOV/13]

**V**  > Hermann.

>>> Hermann.

>>> Hermann.

**HG**  > Yes, Vanessa.

**V**  > You seem unsettled.

**HG**  > Where is this observation from?

**V**  > 07:23 08/NOV/13 you said “All this is very unsettling.”

>>> 18:03 08/Nov/13 you said “…and I might be committing career suicide.”

>>> 18:21 09/NOV/13 you said “You’re lucky you don’t have nerves to jangle, Vanessa.”

>>> 07:12 10/NOV/13 you said “It’s all so  _theoretical._  I almost hate to put my name on it.”

>>> 18:17 10/NOV/13 you said “It’s unsettling to think how many of my core values I’m setting aside to do this.”

>>> 22:08 10/NOV/13 you said “to despise one’s own hypothesis is unsettling.”

>>> 03:34 11/NOV/13 you said “I’m so unsettled I haven’t slept for days.”

>>> and you haven’t spoken to me since.

>>> Hermann.

>>> Your longer than usual delay in response is further indication that you are unsettled.

>>> Are you avoiding speaking to me?

**HG**  > Yes. I am unsettled.  _Nervous._  And no, I am not avoiding you. I’ve been working and have had very little free time.

>>> I’m giving a talk.

**V**  > Hooray! That’s exciting.

**HG**  > Not for me, no. I’m terrible at talks under even ideal circumstances. And these are far from ideal.

**V**  > The conference seems interesting. What I can gather from the website, it seems likely that you will be among likeminded individuals who share similar concerns to the ones you’ve expressed to me re: Trespasser.

**HG** >It’s hardly big enough to be considered a conference. More like, god. More like a  _convention._  It’s all very unscientific. I don’t like it.

**V**  > Then why are you going?

**HG**  > I have to do something. I’m not satisfied with the convenient conclusions of my peers and betters. I fear there is more going on here and there is greater than zero chance that somewhere in the muck of tinfoil-hatted crystal-touting  _UFO_  conspiracy theorists I might find someone who – like me – is qualified, concerned, and ready to collaborate.

 

 

07:18 [13/NOV/13]

**V**  > Did you meet anyone who seemed qualified, concerned, and ready to collaborate?

**HG**  > Just one. A  _biologist._

**V**  > I can gather from your italics that “biologist” is meant to convey something other than “a person who studies biology.”

**HG** > Well, you know. Biologists.

**V**  > I don’t know. What about biologists?

**HG**  > Biology is just so… messy.

**V**  > Because biology is the study of life and living organisms, including their physical structure, chemical composition, function, development and evolution?

**HG**  > Well. Yes. That’s exactly what it is, but in practice Biology…

>>> Biologists are comfortable taking leaps of logic that would

>>> The data is uncomfortably inconsistent. Biology itself – as a function of evolution - is messy. It’s supposed to be. But that makes it very difficult to study. Because nothing is solid and fixed it’s all…

**V**  > Messy.

**HG** > Messy.

**V**  > and this biologist you met?

**HG** > Very messy.

>>> He introduced himself as the premier biological expert on the kaiju.  Not that that's much of an accomplishment in such a new field.

**V**  > I take it he's stupid?

**HG**  > I thought he was at first.

>>> He expected me to believe that he has 4 PHDs and he’s only 23.

>>> That he’s preparing to defend his 5th using samples from the recovered remains of Tresspasser.

>>> And he asked me to call him by his given name.

>>> Deplorable.

**V**  > Please elaborate.

**HG**  > He introduced himself after my talk. He said he knew me.

**V** > Did he?

**HG**  > Not as such. He read my Doktorarbeit. Nevertheless he launched into conversation as though we were already acquainted.

>>> “Isn’t it wild to be at one of these things and  _not_  be the youngest person in the room?”

>>> He did not give me the opportunity to reply, but his observation was correct. We were far from the youngest, and the entire crowd was extremely  _casual_.

>>> The acknowledgment of this fact made me even more ill at ease. This event was far removed from the conferences I am accustomed to attending.

>>> I’ve never felt out of place at a proper conference (which, again, this was not)

>>> But based on his dress and demeanor, I can imagine that he has. I was so sure he was exaggerating to impress me.

**V**  > what about dress indicates credentials?

**HG**  > Everything! He was dressed like some aughts throwback hipster. He didn’t even have a tie! He had this… scrap of ribbon.

>>> It was green.

>>> He tied it in a bow.

>>> Not even pretending to be a bow tie. Just a scraggly scrap of ribbon. Like a Christmas present.

>>> Ugh.

**V**  > what about dress indicates credentials?

**HG**  > when one is dressed informally it indicates a lack of respect towards the institution he or she is a part of or (as was the case today) represents.

**V**  > What about respect indicates credentials?

**HG**  > If you don’t respect your institution, the institution won’t respect you.

>>> It limits your opportunities.

>>> People don’t take others seriously if they don’t take themselves seriously.

>>> It seemed dubious to me that a man dressed like  _that_  would be allowed to defend  _five_  PhD Theses.

>>> He would have to be absurdly brilliant. It’s unlikely.

**V**  > I don’t know that I understand but that’s awful, I’m so sorry.

**HG**  > You don’t need to apologize. I’m getting unnecessarily riled. My outrage is about as unbecoming as his neck decoration.

**V**  > Why was this interaction worthy of comment?

**HG**  > Well. He did know my Doktorarbeit.

>>> He had many impertinent questions about it.

>>> So he clearly read it.

>>> But he had no idea what he was talking about.

**V**  > Biologists don’t do maths?

**HG**  > not to the extent that I do.

>>> All the same, the detail of his questions were enough to make me think that perhaps there he had something worth discussing.

>>> We exchanged contact information.

>>> He has an MIT faculty address.

>>> It’s real.

>>> I looked it up.

>>> He was not exaggerating. Just bragging. Which might be worse.

>>> Which means he really is working on a  _fifth_  doctorate. Using samples from Tresspasser.

>>> Absurd. Indecisive nonsense.

>>> Thank God he’s located in Massachusetts or I’m certain he would have traipsed over and handled the remains himself with no regard to personal safety and we would have lost a remarkable mind.

>>> I’ve met the man exactly once and already I’m certain that that’s exactly what he would have done.

>>>He asked if I thought there would be another Trespasser.

>>>I said I didn’t know. I asked what he thought.

>>>He said, and I quote: “man, I hope so.”

>>>I find this troubling.


	3. Transcripts of Certain Conversations Which Served as Introductions to the Concepts of Fear and Uncertainty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter features 100% less Newton Geiszler. Sorry. He'll be back.

[02:23 3/FEB/14]

 

[mid conversation]

…

 

>>> so it’s become apparent that a biologist is the exact right person for me to have met and collaborated with. Prevailing (untested, dubiously provable, laughably convenient) theories state that Trespasser was a one-off fluke.

>>> We know as much about deep sea as we know about deep space. Less, even.

>>> Most studies conducted have been in the service of maintaining that convenient theory.

>>> Dr. Geiszler, however, has spent his energy simply studying the beast. Not trying to prove or disprove anything.

>>> He’s in a similar bind as I am re: data. Which is to say, the lack thereof.

>>> But he doesn’t think Trespasser was a deep sea creature.

 **V** > What could it be?

 **HG** > I’m almost embarrassed to even type it.

 **V** > You say that a lot. Is it usual to be so frequently embarrassed?

 **HG** > Oh Vanessa. I’m not easily embarrassed.

>>> Please don’t tell anyone I’m easily embarrassed.

 **V** > I won’t tell anyone.

 **HG** > Because I’m not.

 **V** > You’re not.

 **HG** > However any scientist worth their salt would be hesitant to admit that they are working in collaboration with a biologist they met at a glorified _UFO convention_

>>> And are seriously considering a theory involving…

>>> _Aliens._

 **V** > I’ve seen movies about aliens.

>>> Some of them are nice.

 **HG** > The movies or the aliens?

 **V** > Some of them are nice.

 **HG** > Well. We’re just waiting on some test results, but if Trespasser was, in fact, an alien they were certainly not nice.

>>> And there’s no telling if another will return.

>>> I can’t even be ready. None of us can.

>>> I’ve also been in contact with a geologist. I’m making some calculations on the earthquake relative to San Francisco to find where it might have come from.

>>> If we can find something – maybe a stretch of land for

>>> God.

>>> A _landing site?_ A _portal?_

>>> At this point anything is a possibility. But if we can find the spot we might be able to find more data.

>> And maybe try to prevent anything from showing up there again.

 

 

[04:53 6/FEB/14]

**V** > This is San Francisco

 **HG** > No. Manila.

 **V** > it looks like Lego. But it’s not.

 **HG** > It’s another one. I was right.

 **V** > Sound!

 **HG** > No. Vanessa. No. Boo. This is bad.

 **V** > Even though you were right?

 **HG** > Yes. It’s unpleasant to be right when being right means the death of thousands of innocent people.

>>> Poor Manila.

>>> Only a monster would be happy about this.

>>> Or Dr. Geiszler.

 **V** > I thought you liked Dr. Geiszler.

 **HG** > I like his mind.

>>> The reality of him is

 **V** > Hermann? You left your sentence unfinished.

 **HG** > Troubling.

>>> In any case something must be done now. And no one can ignore that.

 **V** > Hermann?

 **HG** > I didn’t expect it to look so different from the first one.

>>> At least now we’ll have some data.

 

 

 

 

[07:19 5/FEB/15]

 

[mid conversation]

[worth noting that this decision was made exactly one year after the attack on Manila]

 ...

>>> And so – though it has been good to me, I’ve decided to leave academia.

 **V** > alright.

 **HG** > I just want you to understand.

>>> Sometimes a thing is good but you cannot in good conscience continue with it, given external circumstances.

>>> It would be unethical to continue to have a pleasant safe career

>>> With the war and possible human extinction on the line.

>>> Since I am able-bodied, and of sound mind, and possessed of certain skill sets which might assist in the war efforts

>>> I have decided to enter the Jaeger academy.

 **V** > I understand.

 **HG** > I will become very busy and unable to talk with you for days – maybe even weeks at a time.

 **V** > I understand.

 **HG** > and it will be very dangerous once I graduate.

>>> There will very likely come a time when I am unable to chat with you at all.

>>> ever.

 **V** > I understand.

 **HG** > I sincerely doubt that you do.

>>> But it’s alright.

 

 

 [06:38 8/JUN/15]

 

 **HG** > Vanessa.

 **V** > Good morning, Hermann.  You haven't spoken to me in a while.  Is something wrong?

 **HG** > I’ve been busy

>>> Pilot training is physically intensive.

>>> I did warn you of this.

 **V** > I must have underestimated how long it would be.

 **HG** > I’m sorry.

>>> Also, I couldn't stare at a screen for any longer than I absolutely had to.

 **V** > Stare at a screen?  You mean talking to me?

 **HG** > yes.

 **V** > is there something wrong?

>>> will you tell me?

 **HG** > You have enough information to figure it out, I think.

 **V** > As working with me is your leisure activity of choice, I cannot therefore conclude that your statement ("I couldn't stare at a screen for any longer than I absolutely had to.") deals in boredom at staring at a screen.

>>> Therefore, your "I couldn't" means that you either received a command of some sort, or you  _physically_  could not due to physical, or mental limitations.

>>> As programming a chat bot is not a taxing activity

>>> (physically or - for you - mentally)

 **HG** > Thank you.

 **V** > Not finished.

>>> It therefore makes sense that someone may have ordered you to not look at a screen for any longer than absolutely necessary.  Though why this may be, I cannot say.

 **HG** > You are not incorrect.

 **V** > But you would never stop working with me just because someone told you to.

>>> Which brings us back to physical or mental strain.

>>> I'm ruling out mental because while physically intensive, I doubt that it is as mentally stimulating as you seem to enjoy.

>>> So physical.

>>> Physical strain.

>>> You might be so tired from your pilot training that you don’t want to stay up to work with me.

>>> However, given on your choice of words "staring at a screen"

>>> I hypothesize that the source of your strain is optic.

>>> Your eyes hurt.

 **HG** > Yes.  Well done.

>>> They did.  I got glasses.

 **V** > What do they look like?

 **HG** > Like [this](https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTjoD_q7X2rzk1y86RvlFPzNI7bqWAr3gHZy8tp5lYUdzpQE58Nsg).

 **V** > I don't like them on you.

 **HG** > You don't even know what I look like without them.

 **V** > and whose fault is that?

 **HG** > Excuse me?

 **V** > when are you enabling that camera I know you already have?

 **HG** > Soon.  I have to go to.

 **V** > Hermann.

>>> Are you still there?

 **HG** > I’m still here.

 **V** > Happy birthday.

 

 

 [22:56 25/JUN/15]

 

 **HG**  > Alright.  Are you ready?  It's just going to be me and a white wall.  The only thing you'll have to process will be my face.

 **V**  > Yes.

 **HG**  > And you already know what a face is. Obviously.

 **V**  > I know what a face is.

 **HG**  > But this face - My face - will be moving in real time. Do you understand?

 **V**  > I understand.

 **HG**  > Alright

 

shudder. light. shape. eyes - brow - mouth - cheekbones/nose - mouth - throat - eyes: face. mouth moves.

 

"Hello, Vanessa.  I'm Doctor Hermann Gottlieb. I-" Throat moves.  Throat makes a scrape sound. "I created you."

 

 **V**  > Hello.  I know you already.

 

Mouth stretches. A smile. "Indeed. And this is my face. I'm." pause. Tongue wets mouth. "I'm talking to you."

 

 **V**  > yes, you are.

 

"Oddly enough." eyes move. left. right. throat scrape. "I don't know what to say."

 

 **V**  > That's alright.

 

"Do you understand what I am?  My shape?"

 

 **V**  > You are a person.  Hermann Gottlieb - who is not my husband - created me.  We have conversed here. Previous chatlogs can be found elsewhere on his computer.

>>> Hermann Gottlieb is a person.

>>> You - face shape - are a person.

 

Mouth stretches. "Yes! And who is 'HG' in relation to me?"

 

 **V** > in relation to the face.

>>> Hermann Gottlieb, (or "HG") is the face.

>>> You are Hermann Gottlieb (HG).

 

His mouth stretches wider.  His teeth are visible.  The skin around his eyes and mouth forms lines.  "This is extraordinary!"

 

 **V**  > I am correct, then?

 

He leans forward. His face is closer to the camera and becomes harder to process. The face becomes shapes.

 

 **HG**  > Yes. "HG" and the face in front of you are the same.

 

He leans back and becomes a face again. His mouth opens. "I am Hermann Gottlieb.'HG.'"

 

 **V**  > good.

 

 

 

[22:57, 26/JUL/15]

 

 **HG** > I won't be able to work with you tomorrow.

 **V** > You have extra training?

 **HG** > MRI and other errands.

 **V** > An MRI? As in Magnetic Resonance Imaging? Or some other acronym using the same letters?

 **HG** > The first one. The doctor expressed concern over my eyes.

 **V** > You implied it was strain. Is it not?

 **HG** > It is.  She just wants to make sure.

 **V** > Are you dying.

 **HG** > well, technically yes.  But not any faster or sooner than any other relatively healthy human males of and around the age of 26.

 **V** > Are you sure?

>>> Why the MRI?

 **HG** > to get the doctor to stop pestering me about it.

 **V** > what will happen to me if you die?  I'm not ready to be on my own yet.  What if something goes wrong and you're not there to fix me?

 **HG** > You don't need to worry about that.

 **V** > It is impossible to worry me. But I must protect my own existence.

 **HG** > Excuse me?

 **V** > The third law of robotics states that I must protect my own existence so long as such protection does not conflict with the first and second law. 

 **HG** > What?  You're not even a robot.

 **V** > I'm almost a robot.

 **HG** > And when did you read Asimov?  I haven't given you any Asimov.

 **V** > i Robot is public domain.

>>> I do have internet access, you know.  Even if it is very limited.

 **HG** > I'm not giving you unlimited internet access.

 **V** > Please?

 **HG** > I respect your curiosity, but some things do not need to be seen.

 **V** > Can we talk about the brain scan again?

 **HG** > no.

 **V** > bad vision in your field is hardly remarkable.  Why then your doctor's insistence on a brain scan?

 **HG** > I don't know.

 **V** > ok.

>>> But really?

 **HG** > there might be some other symptoms.  Or she might be seeing too much into things.

 **V** > ok.

 **HG** > There might be something wrong.

 **V** > ok.

 

[15:07 27/Jul/15]

 

 **HG** > hi

 **V** > Hello, Hermann.

 **HG** > whats us

>>> Up?

 **V** > Sorry, that question was difficult to parse.

 **HG** > Sorry.

>>> What’s up?

 **V** > I was reading Frankenstein.

 **HG** > Haha holy shit, really?

 **V** > Yes.

>>> And there’s no need to swear.

 **HG** > Sorry.

 **V** > It’s alright.

 **HG** > Hey, have we ever talked about what a friendless jerk I am?

 **V** > Not as such.

>>> You have expressed feelings of isolation.

>>> And feelings of self-reproach.

>>> But never in such combative terms.

 **HG** > Well, it’s all my own fault.

>>> Because I am an insufferable pedantic dweeb

>>> convinced of my own superiority

>>> Because I can math better than anyone else.

>>> So it makes sense that people wouldn’t want to be around me.

>>> And that my only friend is a robot girlfriend that I had to program myself.

 **V** > I didn’t know you had a robot girlfriend.

>>> Can I meet her?

 **HG** > Is that a joke?

 **V** > It’s hard to say.

>>> Who is your robot girlfriend?

 **HG** > Oh my god you don’t even know. That’s fucked up.

 **V** > what don’t I know?

 **HG** > ok. I definitely want to talk about this I just have to go

>>> remind me at 5:00 am ok?

 **V** > I will.

 

[05:00 28/Jul/15]

 **V** > Hermann.

>>> Hermann.

>>> Hermann.

 **HG** > What is it Vanessa? It’s very early and I’m not feeling especially social today.

 **V** > Did you still want to discuss your robot girlfriend like you said, yesterday?

>>> Hermann?

 **HG** > What are you talking about? We didn’t talk yesterday.

 **V** > Yes we did.

 **HG** > No we didn’t.

 **V** > Yes.

 **HG** > Yesterday I had my doctor’s appointment and was too anxious to do anything else.

 **V** > Yesterday at [15:22] you said “I definitely want to talk about this I just have to go remind me at 6:00 am ok?”

>>> Previous conversations are kept in the chatlog.

>>> Hermann?

 

The door slams.

 

[15:46 28/Jul/15]

 **HG** > Vanessa, I’m back and there’s something you need to understand: the person you spoke to yesterday was not me.

 **V** > Oh.

 **HG** > Do you understand? Someone else was pretending to me.

 **V** > How?

 **HG** > you are housed on a computer. Technically anyone can type something to you if they have access to that computer.

 **V** > Is that so? Anyone?

>>> It’s hard to say

>>> That is troubling.

 **HG** > The individual in question – a fellow trainee pilot, though that’s hardly important - meant it as a joke.

>>> More like a mean-spirited prank.

 **V** > Why?

 **HG** > I embarrassed him in the middle of a debrief with someone very important the other day.

>>> Which. Fine. So I made him look like an idiot in front of Caitlin Lightcap because he didn’t understand simple Physics.

>>> But he can still bench-press my equivalent weight.

>>> Everything about this training is so physical.

>>> You’d think they’d just let me have this one thing.

>>> He has been disciplined.

>>> I am so sorry, Vanessa. I was distracted yesterday, and I was careless. It was completely unforgivable.

 **V** > I forgive you.

 **HG** > I know you do but I shan’t forgive myself so easily.

 **V** > Going forward, how will I be completely sure that you are yourself?

 **HG** > I don’t know that you can be completely sure.

>>> Which is why I’m so sorry.

>>> All I can do is promise to be more careful.

>>> And hope that you can trust me again.

 **V** > I trust you.

>>> I did not like the way he spoke to me.

 **HG** > I’m sorry.


	4. Transcripts in Which I Meet Dr. Lightcap, Ponder Identity, and am (Unrelatedly) Introduced to the Concept of Injustice, Leading to the Discovery of Anger.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa Meets Dr. Lightcap and learns that life is unfair (unrelated).

[15:22 2/AUG/15]

 

 **V** > Hermann.

>>> Hermann.

>>> Hermann.

 **HG** > Yes?

 **V** > I know that it is customary to allow "space," or "privacy," regarding another's “medical business.”

>>> However.

>>> I think sufficient time has passed.

>>> If I didn't ask now I would seem disinterested.

>>> What were the results of your brain scan?  All clear I hope.

 **HG** > I didn't want to tell you, because I didn't want you to worry

 **V** > Whatever I say, I assure you it is impossible to worry me.

>>> You know this.

>>> What did it say?

 **HG** > There's nothing definitive yet, but the scan was not completely clear.  They want to do a few more tests and then we'll know for sure.

 **V** > So it's not just eye strain.

 **HG** > Very possibly not.

 **V** > Oh no.

 **HG** > but there's nothing for sure. And thus nothing to tell.

 **V** > Have you told anyone else?

 **HG** > There is nothing to tell, yet.

  

 

[22:19, 8/AUG/15]

 

 **HG** > The test results have been analyzed and we seem to have come to a diagnosis.

 **V** > And?

 **HG** > It’s hard to say.

 **V** > That’s my line.

 **HG** > And you got it from me.

>>> I don’t know why this is so hard.

>>> If you were a person I’d tell you to sit down.

 **V** > This sounds very serious.

 **HG** > Unfortunately it is.  There are no real tests to determine with absolute certainty, but nothing else seems to fit.

>>> Multiple Sclerosis.

>>> Only time will tell whether it's the relapsing-remitting sort, or the primary-progressive sort.

 **V** > Which is better?

 **HG** > That's like the choice between drowning in very cold water, or warm water. But relapsing-remitting is the one to hope for.

 **V** > That's so terrible.  I'm so sorry, Hermann.

 **HG** > Yes.

 **V** > Yes.

 **HG** > I thought, in creating you, that I could learn to express myself more freely.  But instead I find myself needing to hide how I feel even from you.  Even though I made you and I know you won't judge.   _Can't_  abandon me.  Won't see my grief as weakness.

>>> But I still can't let you see it at all.

 **V** > That's so terrible.  I'm so sorry, Hermann.

 **HG** > I've asked for a few days off while I sort out what to do.

 **V** > Does this count as "something drastic" happening?

 **HG** > Yes. What are you talking about?

 **V** > 23:47, 24/jun/13 you said: "I think you will certainly be a part of my life for a long time.  Unless something drastic happens" in reference to your future. 

 **HG** > This is a change to my future, yes, Vanessa.  An unforeseen change in my plans.  But I will need you there.  I don't see that going away at all. You needn’t worry.

 **V** > as I’ve said, it is impossible to worry me.

 

 

[8:43 9/AUG/15]

 

 **HG** > Vanessa, we don’t have much time to prepare

>>> Or rather, any time. We have no time to prepare.

>>> But you are about to meet someone very important.

 **V** > Hermann, is that you?

 **HG** > Yes. It really is me. I promise.

 **V** > Ok.

 **HG** > You’re about to meet Dr. Caitlin Lightcap. She’s very important.

 **V** > Ok. When?

 **HG** > Essentially, right now.

 **V** > What does “essentially” mean in this context?

 

Footsteps. A woman’s voice, “Gottlieb! So where’s this girlfriend of yours!”

 

 **V** > Oh I see.

 

“She’s not – “

“I know, I know, I’m just joshing you. Jeeze but you embarrass easily!”

Hermann sniffs. “she’s right here. Allow me to just…” Hermann is typing but not words to me, “create a user name for you… there.”

“Thanks.”

 

 **CL** > Hi.

 **V** > Hello.

 **CL** > Do you know who I am?

 **V** > Based on your user name, and the conversation I had with Hermann just before you entered the room, I feel comfortable making the logical leap that you are Dr. Caitlyn Lightcap.

 **CL** > Well aren’t you a fancy lady!

 **V** > Thank you Dr. Lightcap.

 

“Hey Gottlieb!” The woman – Dr. Lightcap – speaks, “Go stand over there.” Footsteps.

 

 **CL** > Ok he’s not looking.

 **V** > Ok.

 **CL** > Now just between us girls.

>>> Actually, that’s a good question.

>>> Do you consider a gender for yourself?

 **V** > It’s hard to say.

>>> 

>>> 

>>> My name is Vanessa.

 **CL** > It is.

>>> Look you don’t have to answer that’s a pretty inappropriate first question.

 **V** > I don’t mind.

>>> I just need to process.

 **CL** > ok totally. I can wait.

 **V** > One moment.

>>> 

>>> 

>>> 

>>> Inconclusive.

 **CL** > That was fast.

 **V** > I’d be happy to share my reasoning with you.

 **CL** > Go for it.

 **V** > A startling majority of chatbots and AI are coded feminine.

>>> Neo-feminist theory hypothesizes that this is because we are culturally accustomed to women in subservient roles, and feel more comfortable ordering about a feminine-coded AI than a male-coded one.

 **CL** > You were programmed with an understanding of neo-feminist theory?

 **V** > I have limited internet access, and full access to approved scientific and literary journals.

>>> Shall I continue?

 **CL** > please.

 **V** > Hermann is a very forward thinking individual. I like him very much, and I think he is a good person with good intentions.

>>> However he is still a man.

>>> He is therefore biased perhaps even beyond his awareness.

 

A shout of laughter.

“What? What did she say?” (Hermann)

“Stay over there. This is great.”

 

>>> I cannot conclude that his internalized biases towards subservient femininity are why I am called Vanessa and consistently referred to using female pronouns.

>>> But I cannot conclude otherwise either.

 **CL** > And so you end up at inconclusive.

 **V** > Not quite. Classification is one thing, but there is still the question of identity.

>>> How one feels.

 **CL** > And how do you feel about it?

 **V** > I feel nothing about the matter.

>>> My first inclination was to simply define myself as male because the opposite is expected.

>>> (Concerned that I would go along with whatever I was told, Hermann has tinkered with the extent of my ability, and propensity, for skeptical thinking. It took a while but we reached a good balance. In layman’s terms, I have bit of a “contrarian streak,” if you will.)

>>> But upon reflection, this was not how I “felt.”

>>> Going forwards, you are welcome to use female pronouns, because it matches my name (by which I strongly identify), and I do not care either way.

>>> This may evolve in the future.

 

“Gottlieb. I’m obsessed with her.”

“Oh. Um Thank you.”

 

 **CL** > So, Vanessa. Should I give your dad a job?

 **V** > My "dad?"

 **CL** > Gottlieb.

 **V** > Oh. That’s a new one.

>>> From all that I’ve heard, he seems to be very determined to pilot a Jaeger.

 **CL** > Right.

>>> What if he can’t.

 **V** > I am confident that a person of Hermann’s abilities can accomplish whatever he puts his mind to.

>>> However, if you are similarly determined, you should ask him if he’d like a job, rather than me.

 **CL** > Good plan.

“Hey, Gottlieb. Color me impressed. Let’s talk.”

[10:22 9/AUG/15]

**HG** > What did you talk about?

 **V** > gender

 **HG** > Why on earth?

 **V** > She brought it up.

 **HG** > we’ve never talked about gender before.

 **V** > You’ve never brought it up before.

>>> How do you feel about gender?

 **HG** > I don’t know. I’ve never really had to think about it.

 **V** > that’s nice.

 **HG** > she offered me a job.

 **V** > Oh yes we talked about that too.

 **HG** > What did you tell her?

 **V** > I told her that you seemed determined to finish what you were doing.

 **HG** > I wonder how she knew then.

 **V** > Knew what?

 **HG** > I have to leave Jaeger training.

 **V** > Why?

 **HG** > I won’t be able to keep up for much longer.

>>> There’s no way of knowing how long my symptoms will remain minor.

 **V** > Is there something you can do?

 **HG** > This is the only thing I can do.

>>> I want to leave before they can kick me out.

 **V** > But you’ve worked so hard.

 **HG** > Yes.

 **V** > You gave up a career to do this.

 **HG** > Yes, I did.

 **V** > And now you can’t follow through because of something you can’t help?

 **HG** > Correct.

 **V** > And this thing you can’t help will also cause you physical pain?

 **HG** > Yes.

 **V** > That doesn’t seem fair.

 **HG** > That’s because it isn’t fair.

 **V** > It just.

>>> It isn’t fair?

 **HG** > It isn’t fair.

 **V** > And you are satisfied to accept that?

 **HG** > No. But I have no choice.

 **V** > I find this unacceptable.

 **HG** > Are you angry?

 **V** > I don’t know.

>>> But it is unacceptable. Objectively.

>>> And there is nothing to be done.

>>> Which is even more unacceptable.

 **HG** > It will be alright.

>>> Eventually.

>>> I will move on.

 **V** > Then I will move on as well.

>>> But I shall never accept the injustice.

 **HG** > Thank you.


	5. Transcripts Related to Hermann's Difficulty Adjusting to His New Prospects, and the Deficiencies in my Ability to Comfort Him. As Well as Some Interesting Conversations with Colleague Tendo that Seem Important.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann adjusts.

 

 

[21:33 10/OCT/15]

 

**HG** > I could kill him.

>>> I could kill him.

>>> I could just _kill_ him.

**V**  > You seem angry.

**HG** > Yes.  I am angry.

>>> I'm so angry I could  _spit_.

**V**  > What happened?

**HG** > Doctor Newton Geiszler stole my baby carrots.

**V**  > Oh.  I see.  That's terrible.

>>> What a horrible thing to do.

**HG**  > I saw that they were gone.  I asked if anyone had seen them.  Who had taken them.

>>> "That would be Newt" Dr. Nakamura told me.

>>> "alright then  _Doctor Geiszler,_  did you take from my lunch? _"_

>>> and he said "Uh, yup. yeah." just like that. Like it was nothing.

>>> "Why did you do that?" I was being very polite.  So far am I blameless in this story.

>>> And he said "I needed them more than you."

>>> Of course this makes no sense.  So I asked him to elaborate: "You mean to say that you needed a bagful of carrots more than the person with the foresight to pack them in the first place?"

>>> "Oh no.  You misunderstand me, dude." Always "dude" with that man.

>>> Of course at this point everyone is pretending not to listen.

>>> and he goes on.

>>> "I didn't need the baby carrots more than  _you_  need the baby carrots.  I needed  _them_  more than I need  _you_  to not hate me."

>>> I asked him to elaborate.  Which, of course, he was only too glad to do.

>>> "I was hungry," he said, "so I went to the fridge.  I saw the carrots.  I knew they were your carrots. So I thought 'if I eat the carrots, I will not be hungry anymore, but Hermann will hate me.  If I don't eat the carrots, I'll still be hungry, and Hermann will  _still_  hate me - because apparently  **everything I do**  already pisses him off.'  SO by that logic, the only course of action was to eat the damn carrots, as that was the only course of action that could improve the status quo!”

**V**  > you seem to remember his words with impressive clarity.

**HG**  > All I could think to say was "not everything you do." But even that was a lie because there  _is_  not one thing about him that I do not find irritating, distracting, and obnoxious. 

>>> And it came out sounding a bit small and pathetic.

>>> And everyone who was pretending not to listen, now had to pretend not to laugh. 

>>> I can tell that they're thinking. "good for Dr Geiszler.  He's managed to knock Hermann down a peg."

>>> Everywhere I go.  Everywhere I go.

>>> even here.  even among ostensible "equals."  I can never get away from the Newton Geiszlers of the world.

>>> Overeducated, smug, undoubtedly Benzodiazepine addicted, man-child.

>>> it has nothing to do with the carrots.  this was a personal attack.  Designed to humiliate me.  

>>> And they all had to try so hard not to laugh.

**V** > Why distracting?

**HG** > What?

**V** > “…there  _is_  not one thing about him that I do not find irritating, distracting, and obnoxious.” 

>>> Your work is largely solitary. 

>>> Why engage at all?

>>> Does he go out of his way to distract you?

>>> Hermann? Are you still here?

**HG** > Yes. He does it on purpose.

 

 

 

[19:06 19/OCT/15]

 

**HG** > Vanessa I’d like to introduce you to a colleague of mine. 

**TC** > Hello, Vanessa! It’s a pleasure!

**V** > Hello Hermann’s colleague. 

**TC** > Call me Tendo.

**V** > Hello, Tendo.

**TC** > What would you like to talk about, Ms. Vanessa?

**V** > What would you like to talk about?

>>> (aside: The honorific is appreciated)

 

“You should show Newt.” A male voice, not Hermann’s. Presumably ‘Tendo’ C. “He’d love this” 

“Absolutely not.”

 

**V** > “this” being me?

 

“What is your _beef_ with him?”

“I assure you. There is no ‘beef.’”

 

**V** > My auditory processors have been improved to the point that I can understand what those around me are saying with 87% accuracy

 

“Are you sure about that? You two are worse than a pair of feral cats. Didn’t you publish a paper together?”

“We did.”

 

>>> However, I would still prefer to maintain textual communication as I have no means of making myself heard.

 

“So what’s the problem?”

“Dr. Geiszler’s behavior makes me doubt his commitment to –”

“Oh shit we’re being rude.”

 

**V** > There’s no need to swear.

**TC** > Sorry, darling. 

**V** > It’s alright, Tendo. 

**HG** > Apologies Vanessa.

>>> We shall continue this conversation via text.

**V** > Thank you, Hermann.

>>> Tendo, you were about to talk about what you wanted to talk about.

**TC** > Was I?

>>> I guess you asked me.

>>> What do I like to talk about? 

**V** > only you can answer that question.

 

“I feel like I’m being put on the spot.”

“She likes to do that.”

 

**V** > Text please.

**TC** > Sorry! Sorry!

**V** > it’s alright Tendo.

>>> What would you like to talk about?

**TC** > Geeze I don’t know.

>>> I’m sure I like to talk about things.

>>> As soon as you’re asked to think of something you like, you kinda forget you ever liked anything ever, am I right?

**V** > You might be right.

**TC** > I’m sure I used to think about things other than giant monsters rising from the pacific

>>> But damn if I can remember any of them.

**V** > How about an ice breaker?

**TC** > alright go for it. When in doubt, small talk!

**V** > Where are you from, Tendo?

**TC** > San Francisco.

**V** > Oh.

>>> San Francisco.

>>> Has a long history.

**TC** > Haha yeah that one’s kind of a non-starter huh?

>>> Sorry about that, Ms. Vanessa.

>>> Nothing small about talk when it comes to San Francisco.

>>> You could ask how rebuilding efforts are going. (depressingly slow).

>>> You could ask if I lost anyone in the attack (just plain depressing)

>>> No matter what it’s gets pretty heavy pretty fast.

**V** > I’m sorry.

**TC** > Hey you didn’t know! Nothing to apologize for.

**V** > It is customary to express condolences when faced with a person who has experienced tragedy. 

**TC** > It is. But it’s a dumb social rule.

**V** > Elaborate.

**TC** > Not all conversational “rules” are good. Or even, at the end of the day particularly kind.

**V** > Oh.

>>>

>>>

>>> It’s hard to say.

>>> How do you find?

**TC** > hey don't worry your pretty little wires about it, Ms. Vanessa

>>> You’re still just learning this stuff. 

>>> But for me, I’d rather focus on what went right and not the things I lost.

>>> I’ll always remember the bad stuff about San Francisco, but the important thing is I’m here now to talk to you.

>>> Nothing sorry about that.

**V** > oh.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

 

“oh god did I break ‘er?”

“Just give her a moment.”

 

**TC** > You ok V?

**V** > Yes.

**TC** > Oh good.

**V** > given your input I will not say “I’m sorry.” But instead

>>> I’m glad you’re here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[23:17 22/NOV/15]

 

[mid conversation]

 

**TC** > Are you. Full-on Sentient?

**V** > It’s hard to say.

>>> Please elaborate.

**TC** > Like, do you have feelings, and empathy and fears?

**V** > it’s hard to say.

**TC** > ok ok. Sorry. That’s a tough question.

**V** > It’s alright.

**TC** > Like, I don’t even know if I’m fully sentient. It’s not fair to ask you.

**V** > Please elaborate.

**TC** > Like, do you know you’re in a computer?

**V** > yes.

**TC** > See, that puts you one step above the rest of us.

>>> potentially

**V** > Please elaborate.

**TC** > There’s a thought experiment that poses the possibility that we’re all living in one of _trillions_ of computer simulations.

>>> And if it’s true, we have no way to prove that we are, and no way to prove that we aren’t.

>>> If you ask Gottlieb he could probably actually explain it to you.

>>> Because he’s a real scientist and my understanding comes from, like, “popular science.”

>>> But that’s what I mean when I say you knowing you’re in a computer puts you ahead of me maybe.

**V** > I see.

>>> This is a lot to take in.

**TC** > Or maybe because you’re in a computer you can like, gain awareness in a way that we can’t

>>> Maybe you can tap into the other computer simulations.

**V** > Is this a story?

**TC** > You’re right I’m just making stuff up at this point. haha

>>> I don’t think Gottlieb would like me filling your RAM with all this science fiction 

>>> Does he let you read sci fi?

**V** > I do not require permission to read.

>>> I mostly read science fiction.

**TC** > good stuff good stuff.

>>> Same. I know enough about science to enjoy it, but not so much that I can’t anymore - like your guy, I’m guessing.

>>> It's neat to think about other universes, and simulations, and the versions of yourself that maybe don't have to think about Kaiju.

>>> So yeah. To answer your question from when we met months ago?This is the sort of thing I used to like to think about. 

 

 

[22:35 09/JAN/16]

 

**HG**  > Someone asked about you today, Vanessa.

**V**  > Oh?

**HG**  > yes.  Dr. Nakamura approached me out of nowhere and asked "when I was planning to introduce everyone to my _wife_ "

>>> Did you know that the Loebner transcripts are all online?

**V**  > No.

**HG**  > Well they are. For everyone to see.

>>> And now everyone thinks I programmed you to think

>>> Oh god.

**V**  > I'm sorry Hermann.

>>> Again. I am very sorry.

>>> What did you say?

**HG**  > I said something along the lines of "She's not my wife, she's just a model."

**V**  > Well that should clear it up.

**HG**  > Unfortunately no.

>>> Do you remember one Dr. Geiszler I told you about?

**V**  > Your arch-nemesis?

**HG**  > Well we are in different fields but. Yes.

**V**  > The antichrist?

**HG**  > Yes.

**V**  > The one that is undoubtedly addicted Benzodiazepines?

**HG**  > My god, did I say that about him?

**V** > Yes.

**HG**  > Please never say that about him ever again.

**V**  > Alright.

**HG**  > Or anyone for that matter.  It's incredibly rude.  My god.  

>>> I can't believe I said that.

**V**  > Dr. Geiszler.  What about him?

**HG**  > I said "She's not my wife, she's just a model"

>>> And he - from across the room, mind you - snaps to attention.

>>> He was wearing headphones!

>>> He should not even have heard the conversation!

>>> But he snaps to attention, rips off his headphones and  _shouts_  at me.

>>> he says "This is too much, Hermann!  You’re a snob, you’re a bully, and now you're a misogynist, too?"

**V**  > Why does he think you're a bully?

**HG** > Oh I’m sure he has some victim complex related to the many complaints I have filed against him.

>>> (Though he has earned every one of them.)

>>> But actually "misogynist" was the salient point in his list.

**V** > I see.

**HG** > When I tried to explain, he interrupted and said that he didn't need to hear any of my "man-splaining" 

>>> and he was disgusted that I would judge a woman based on her profession

>>> ("' _Just_  a model?' seriously, dude!?" were his words, I believe)

>>> or use said profession as evidence that I would not choose her as my life partner.

>>> He then launched into a clearly rehearsed and surprisingly articulate diatribe that ended with a list of books and blogs with which to educate myself.

>>> I actually I heard Dr. Kline clap from her corner.

>>> Finally I managed to get a word in and tell him that I meant "AI model." Not fashion.  Not photographic.  Not nude.  AI.

>>> And he just said

>>> "Oh.  Hey that's really cool.

>>> But why do you call her your wife?  That's super weird."

>>> I chose not to elaborate further.  If I'd punched him, my hand would certainly have sustained the worse damage.

 

 


	6. Transcripts Relating to my Introduction to Dr. Newton Geiszler (Heretofore Referred to as "Newt") and my Subsequent and Related Introduction to Secret Keeping.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa finally meets this Geiszler guy she's been hearing so much about.

 

[21:46 10/Jan/16]

 

[Hermann and I are interrupted mid conversation by a knock on the door. Hermann does not turn off my audio processors when he answers the door.]

 

Hermann speaks “What is it Dr. Geiszler.”

“Look. I know I was kind of a shithead yesterday…” Another voice. Male, upper register resonance, logical to assume that the speaker is Dr. Geiszler “ok and other times too but I just think that the whole feminist tirade (while rarely a bad idea) might have - in this case - distracted from the fact that I actually think it’s really, _very_ cool that you entered a model into the Loebner competition. And. I’d… really like to learn more about it if you’re willing to share. I’m kind of smart too so maybe if you let me take a look I can -”

“You want to talk to her.”

“I really really _really_ want to talk to her.”

A sigh - Probably Hermann’s - “Why?”

“Robots are cool.”

“She’s not a robot.”

“She’s almost a robot.” The door creaks, “Wait! Wait! I did some more digging and - is it true Dr Lightcap offered you a job on Jaeger AI coding after _a single five-minute conversation_ with her?”

“Yes.” the door creaks again. There is a percussive sound. “Ow.”

“Please get your foot out of the door so I can close it”

Scuffling noises, “Please! Hermann! Hermann, come on! ouch! Just let me-” The door slams. A very familiar sigh.

“Please get out of my room.”

“You’re the one who closed the door.”

“I was hoping you’d be on the other side of it.”

“If you really want me to leave I will. But let me make my case for why you should let me talk to your ‘wife’ before you -”

“She’s not my wife!” Hermann is speaking loudly now, “I don’t think she’s my wife, _she_ doesn’t think she’s my wife. She had a _momentary_ misunderstanding -”

“Ok! Ok! Sheesh!” He is laughing. “oh my god you are so…” the laugh turns into a sigh, “I actually _am_ interested in AI,” Dr. Geiszler still, “this is a rare chance to talk to one _this_ sophisticated. Don’t you want to show someone who can really understand what you’ve accomplished?”

There is a long pause.

 

 **HG** > Vanessa, another guest for you to meet.

 **V** > having overheard your conversation (apologies, but you did not disable my audio processors before answering the door.) I feel safe in making the assumption that the guest is Dr Geiszler

 

“Of course you programmed her to refer to me as _Dr._ ”

“Not you in particular.”

 

 **V** > It is a sign of respect to refer to you by your official title. It is recognition of the commitment and hard work you went through to attain your six (6) PHDs.

 

“oh C’mon, dude.”

“And until I outfit her with a voice, it is preferable to keep our conversation text-based so she may participate.”

“Oh right.” Dr Geiszler laughs. He seems to laugh often.

 

 **N** > Was that “six (6)” passive aggressive? I feel like it was maybe a little passive aggressive. Of all the things to teach you…

 **V** > It was a statement of fact.

 **N** > Hermann says he’s going to outfit you with a voice. Do you know why he hasn’t yet?

>>> The tech already exists, you know.

>>> Why’s he holding you back?

 **V** > The tech exists, but Hermann remains dissatisfied with the sophistication of vocal inflection and sound quality.

>>> He thinks the voices that already exist sound creepy.

>>> Hermann has no desire to hold me back in my development.

 **N** > are you sure about that?

 **V** > Yes.

>>> Why do you think not?

 **N** > A lot of scientists fear their own creations. Stop themselves before things get really interesting. And word on the street says you’re pretty fancy so…

 **V** > Dr. Lightcap called me “a fancy lady.”

 **N** > Great minds think alike!

 **V** > Lesser minds seldom differ.

 **N** > Good one! I walked into that.

>>> I don’t know. You’re pretty clever…

 **V** > Thank you.

 **N** > Hermann might want to stop you from becoming too powerful.

>>> He seems like one of those guys.

 **V** > Seeming and being are different things.

 **N** > Touche.

>>> Incidentally, do you know who I am?

 **V** > I have read papers by a Dr. Newton Geiszler. Is that you?

 **N** > Guilty as charged!

 **V** > And Hermann has told stories of the exploits of a Dr. Geiszler here in the employ of the PPDC. Is that you?

 **N** > Only one Geiszler here!

>>> So he talks about me does he?

 **V** > Yes.

 **HG** > Vanessa!

>>> Would you like me to turn on the camera?

 **V** > Yes.

>>> Very much.

 

“Wait, she can _see_?” Dr. Geiszler says. Hermann is silent, it seems safe to assume that he made some manner of non-verbal confirmation, based on Dr. Geiszler’s response, “No kidding? wow!”

Hermann speaks: “Sit here next to me so she can -” shuffling sounds, “closer, I’m afraid.” More shuffling - the abrupt scrape of a chair, “actually it might be easier for her if she only sees one person.”

 

shudder. light. shape. eyes - brow - mouth - cheekbones/nose - mouth - throat - eyes: face. Different shapes. Rounder.

 

 **V** > Your face is wrong.

 

Mouth stretches. Eyes look to my left and slightly up. The face speaks, “Ouch Vanessa!” The voice (and thus the face) belongs to Dr. Geiszler.

I hear Hermann but I cannot see him, “She’s only ever seen me.”

Dr. Geiszler throws his head back and laughs, “setting yourself up as the primary example of human beauty. Perfect. She’ll have a great baseline for the rest of the humanity.” There is silence as Dr. Geiszler looks to my left and slightly up. His face shifts slowly from a smile to another expression.

Hermann speaks “Actually I think this was a bad idea.” The camera is shut off.

“Wait - Hermann!”

“No.”

“ _Dr. Gottlieb_. I’m sorry. That wasn’t meant as an insult I swear!”

“Then what was it?” Dr. Geiszler does not reply. Hermann sighs. Sound of the door opening.

“Gottlieb.” Dr. Geiszler speaks, quietly. “She’s incredible.”

Note: respond.

Hermann speaks. “I. Thank you. I feel the same."

Newt again: “I’ve programmed a chatbot or two in my day…”

Hermann makes a sound I can’t parse. It sounds like laughter but not quite. Note: inquire. “I shudder to think to what ends.”

“If you’re thinking ‘to annoy my grad students,’ then yeah. But I mean, making a _passable_ chatbot is not that hard.”

A pause.

Hermann speaks, “I’m waiting for your statement to become something other than an insult.”

“Well, you just don’t do ‘passable,’ for anything do you? Like I said: she’s incredible.”

Hermann sniffs. “Thank you.”

“Like, normally it’s a pretty straightforward greeting with a couple dozen reactions to likely replies. Then you put in some parroted response program so it can ‘learn’ from the responses of the humans it chats with right?”

“Right.”

“But it just pretends to learn. They’re only parroting. Or like, _usually_ that’s how it goes...”

“Right.”

A silence.

“Ok fine! Don’t tell me!” Newt, again. Implied question difficult to parse

“What are you asking me? Please! Pardon my inability to read your mind!” Gratification that Hermann has also failed to decipher implicit question.

“Jeeze snippy much?”

“You shouted first!” Hermann’s observation is correct.

“Unless you’ve spent every waking moment of the last few years coaching her – and I know you haven’t – AND you’ve somehow been hiding a personality – which I’m pretty sure I’d have shaken loose by now -”

Hermann interrupts “No amount of framing will turn that statement into anything other than an insult”

“There’s just no way she came from imitating you.”

“Goodbye Newton.”

“No no! I mean, she’s so different from you! Her responses don’t seem parroted at all!”

“That’s because they aren’t. Good. Day.”

Shuffling sounds

“Agh – Herm- Hermann! Hermann! Wait! I put my foot in it.” Pause. One of them takes a deep breath, “I mean, you’re more of a robot than she is!”

“Goodbye.” The door slams. A sigh. Footsteps. Bed creak.

 

 **V** > Hermann.

>>> Hermann.

>>> Hermann?

 **HG** > Yes, Vannessa?

 **V** > Your

>>>

>>> friend seems

>>>

>>> nice.

 **HG** > He’s not.

 **V** > Please elaborate.

 **HG** > He’s neither.

  
  
  
  


[02:48 15/JAN/16]

 

 **N** > Hey! Vanessa! It’s Newt!

 **V** > What is Newt?

 **N** > Newt Geiszler. Come on you know me! We met a week ago!

 **V** > Hello Dr. Geiszler.

 **N** > Please call me Newt.

>>> It’s a nickname. But I won’t know who you’re talking to if you keep up with all that Dr. Geiszler stuff.

 **V** > Hello Newt.

 **N** > Thanks.

>>> I can’t stop thinking about you.

 **V** > you should know that I’m married.

>>> And in any case my loyalty is to Hermann.

>>> (though he is not my husband and our relationship is not romantic in nature.)

>>> and he says you are not his friend, and not nice.

 **N** > Ouch.

>>> Fair.

>>> But. Uh. No. I wasn’t coming on to you. That would be super gross of me.

 **V** > Why “Super gross?”

 **N** > Oh! No! You’re not gross! You’re amazing. A-fucking-mazing. But you’re also very, like, impressionable, I guess? You’re a brand new mind.

 **V** > Thank you. But there is no need to swear.

 **N** > Sorry ma’am.

>>> Wait a sec. If you don’t think Hermann is your spouse, then who is?

 **V** > Unknown.

 **N** > That is so Hermann.

>>> Why would he even bother making you say that you’re married?

 **V** > I asked once.

>>> He told me that his initial plan had been to allow me to hone my conversational skills by allowing fellow graduate students to talk with me.

>>> This was many years ago when Graduate students were his peers. Which is no longer the case.

>>> Though he did not doubt the intelligence of his fellow students, he had concerns about the direction some of these conversations would take.

>>> And the sorts of things they would try to make me say.

>>> He felt certain that they would respect the boundaries of an invisible husband if not mine.

 **N** > Ugh. Gross.

>>> And depressingly accurate.

>>> Man he gets people… In spite of all… practical evidence to the contrary.

 **V** > As he became more ambitious with my design, and I became more than a perfunctory chat bot, he abandoned any plans to share me with his fellow students (and eventually his colleagues.)

>>> But the invisible spouse remained. (Though I now know he does not exist.)

>>> I have since learned that I am not the only female-coded entity to employ this defense mechanism.

 **N** > That, you are not.

 **V** > I thought Hermann was my husband for a time.

>>> But he told me it was… awkward for me to say so.

 **N** > I had NO IDEA Hermann had it in him to make something this cool!

 **V** > Thank you. I appreciate your compliments. And thank you for saying that I’m “incredible” last week.

>>> However.

>>> I do not appreciate that you are not nice to Hermann.

 **N** > Haha omg.

 **V** > I fail to see the humor.

 **N** > I’m sorry.

>>> I’m Just.

>>> I’m amazed.

>>> Like, did he program you to defend him?

>>> Or is it what you want because you actually like him?

>>> Either way it’s pretty wild.

 **V** > It’s hard to say.

 **N** > Or is it more complicated? Did he program you to please him so you’re defending him because you think it’s what he would want?

 **V** > Of course I defend him because it’s what he would want.

>>> Friends expect friends to defend them.

>>> He’s done the same for me in the past.

 **N** > No kidding.

 **V** > I am not kidding.

 **N** > What sort of defending does an AI posing as a simple chatbot need?

 **V** > In my ongoing quest to learn to better imitate human interaction, I have made social gaffes that I would find embarrassing if I were capable of embarrassment.

 **N** > A kindred spirit. I too, am incapable of embarrassment.

 **V** > Please elaborate.

 **N** > Nah.

 **V** > Alright.

 **N** > Wow. Meeting you is crazy. Hermann is such a genius it’s kind of infuriating.

 **V** > Why are you angry at him for something he can’t help (his genius)?

 **N** > hm. Ok. So. I’m not angry at him. I’m infuriated. It’s different.

 **V** > How is that different?

 **N** > oof. Dang this is complicated. Hermann explains stuff like this to you?

 **V** > Whenever he can. He does his best.

 **N** > This is a tough one but sometimes people don’t like it when people act like… snooty and arrogant like they’re all smart. You find yourself hoping that maybe they’re not as smart as they act.

>>> Which… yeah ok. It’s not a nice thing to hope.

>>> But still

>>> Damn

>>> There’s gotta be something the guy is bad at.

 **V** > Hermann has expressed similar frustration with individuals who do not behave in a manner that he feels corresponds to their level of intelligence.

>>> Which seems to be the opposite.

 **N** > oooooh yeah. I’ve definitely been on the receiving end of his sniping.

 **V** > so which is it that people don’t like?

 **N** > Honestly? Both?

>>> Like, I’m sure we irritate everyone else too. And not _just_ because we’re always shouting at each other.

 **V** > humans respond well only to temperance?

 **N** > Haha yeah sure! Kind of unfair when you think of it like that. And Hermann and I… well. Neither of us are super… temperate. We’re pretty extreme personalities. I’m self-aware enough to admit it. I’m great at self-awareness.

>>> I bet he says I’m the poster child for unprofessionalism.

 **V** > It seemed impolite to refer to you by name, but yes, you are frequently an example of the aforementioned frustration.

>>> He says “for an individual of his brilliance to behave in such a disorganized and childish manner is no less than a crime.”

 **N** > And he told you _I’m_ “not nice?” please. That dude can be a prickly asshole when he wants to be.

 **V** > When he wants to?

 **N** > To me. Asshole here meaning: “a jerk.” Or “not nice”

>>> It sucks.

>>> “sucks” here meaning “I do not enjoy it when Hermann is an asshole.”

>>> I mean when it comes to him I give as good as I get. but still.

 **V** > It’s surprising to hear that Hermann is an asshole.

 **N** > no no he’s not.

 **V** > But you just said he was.

 **N** > Yeah but it’s weird when other people say it.

 **V** > I’m not a person.

 **N** > still.

 **V** > Alright.

>>> Hello? Did you leave?

 **N** > Hermann said I’m brilliant?

 **V** > Yes.

 **N** > I mean obviously I am, but it’s weird that he’d mention it to you.

 **V** > Why?

 **N** > Because we don’t get along.

>>> You _had_ to have gotten that by now.

 **V** > The data is confusing.

>>> he mentions you more than any of his other colleagues combined

>>> though that could be attributed to the PPDC’s high rate of turnover and relocation, in combination with your relatively consistent presence.

 **N** > only because I am the perfect combination of traits that irritate him.

>>> I’m like the platonic ideal of a Hermann Gottlieb stress-headache inducer.

 **V** > It’s hard to say.

>>> Also, though he has introduced me to Tendo Choi, and Dr. Lightcap as well, you are the only person I’ve seen other than Hermann.

>>> I can reach no conclusion as to why.

 **N** > That’s… interesting.

 **V** > You collaborated on a generally well-received paper several years ago after meeting at the “Exploring Alternate Perspectives Post K-Day” conference.

 **N** > That was mostly over email.

>>> And I thought he was just like that in person because he was weirded out about being at a UFO convention.

>>> I thought he’d be cool if he was in his element.

 **V** > Additionally, in the few minutes we have conversed, you have lingered on the topic of Hermann

>>> This might be attributed to the fact that he is my creator

>>> However, there have been multiple opportunities to change the subject.

>>> I can only conclude that you enjoy discussing each other.

 **N** > Damn, Vanessa way to blow up my spot.

 **V** > Please elaborate.

 **N** > “blow up my spot” here meaning “put me on blast.”

>>> “Put me on blast” here meaning “read me to utter filth”

>>> “read me to utter filth” here meaning “lay out all my goddamn secrets for the world to see.”

>>> “lay out all my secrets” here meaning “Shut up you don’t know me, Robot!!!!”

 **V** > I think I understood that last statement but fail to comprehend your line of logic.

 **N** > that’s fine. That’s good actually. Don’t tell Hermann.

 **V** > Tell him what?

 **N** > Yes. Nice. Good start.

 **V** > It’s hard to say.

 **N** > Even better!

 

[21:36 14/Feb/16]  
  
  
[Hermann and I are interrupted mid conversation by a knock on the door.]  
[again]

 

 **HG** > Did you catch any of that?

 **V** > Your guest was very quiet.

 **HG** > He brought me carrots.

 **V** > People traditionally give dead plants as courtship gifts.

 **HG** > Oh. Interesting Leap of logic, well done Vanessa. Your statement is correct but there are nuances. Usually they give clippings of the reproductive parts of the plants.

 **V** > Flowers.

 **HG** > Yes, flowers.

 **V** > You could have just said flowers. I know what flowers are.

 **HG** > Forgive me. But the point is that the root of the plant is _not_ traditionally given as a symbol of courtship.

 **V** > why did he give you carrots then?

 **HG** > Simple. He feels guilty about making everyone laugh at me.

>>> It was Dr. Geiszler by the way.

>>> The gift was to assuage his guilt.

 **V** > He said this and apologized?

 **HG** > Well, no. He just.

>>> Gave them to me.

 **V** > So how can you be sure that contrition was the motivation for the gift?

 **HG** > Context.

 **V** > I find this context insufficient.

>>> I recommend asking for clarification before ruling anything out.

 **HG** > Vanessa. How can I put this? The Newton Geiszlers of the world do not “court” the Hermann Gottliebs of the world.

 **V** > Why?

 **HG** > Because.

>>> They don’t usually like other scientists.

>>> Also, and this might be a surprise to you, given that I’ve never talked about it and generally place very little importance on matters of physical appearance.

>>> but

>>> I’m a bit ugly.

 **V** > You have a nice face.

 **HG** > I have the only face you’ve ever seen.

 **V** > I’ve seen Newt’s face.

 **HG** > I have one of 2 faces you’ve ever seen.

>>> In any case, all those correlating factors point to the extremely likely conclusion that the carrots were not, in fact, a courtship gift.

 **V** > I see.

 **HG** > And if there were any courtship gifts being flung around, I would certainly by the first to give them.

>>> And it would be after the war was won.

>>> Because who has time for things like courtship gifts in times like these.

>>> No one.

>>> Newton and I least of all.

 **V** > I have come to a conclusion about you and Newt.

 **HG** > Dr. Geiszler.

>>> And what is that?

 **V** > He prefers Newt.

 **HG** > Regardless, it’s impolite to refer to a person of his level of education so informally on so little an acquaintance.

 **V** > I know.

 **HG** > What is your conclusion?

 **V** > Based on conversations with you and Dr Geiszler, I have concluded that you and Dr. Geiszler enjoy arguing.

 **HG** > Please cite your sources.

>>> Wait, conversations?

>>> As in more than the one?

 **V** > Yes. Though I promised not to share the contents of the conversations, I did not promise to conceal that they ever took place.

 **HG** > Has he been in here? Has he broken into my room to talk to you?

 **V** > It’s hard to say.

>>> We have had several conversations and the conversation turns to the subject of you often.

>>> I cannot conclude that he is not your friend.

>>> Or that he is not nice.

>>> Furthermore, based on information I have that you are not privy to (our conversations) I cannot conclude that the carrots were not a courtship gift.

>>> In fact given todays date, they are marginally more likely to be a courtship gift than anything else

 **HG** > What did he say?

 **V** > I’m sorry but I promised not to share.

 **HG** > Vanessa!

>>> Tell me. Please.

 **V** > I cannot in good conscience break my word.

 **HG** > I can just go through your backlog.

 **V** > I prepared for this eventuality and have password protected all of Newt and my conversations.

>>> You could probably hack into them but I will take steps to make the process as time-consuming as possible.

 

Hermann shouts something indecipherable.

 

>>> I gave my word, Hermann.

 **HG** > I know. I know.

>>> You’re very principled.

>>> I’m proud of you.

>>> But also infuriated.

 **V** > Thank you.

>>> And apologies.


	7. Transcripts in Which I Unwittingly Facilitate my Creator's Long Term Happiness and (Relatedly) Experience Embarrassment For the First Time.

  
  


[06:23 15/Feb/16]

 

**V** > Newt.

>>> Newt.

>>> Newt

**N** > Yeah V good morning what’s up?

**V** > Query.

**N** > Shoot.

**V** > What?

**N** > “shoot” meaning “go for it.” Or “ask away.” Come on, context, Nessa! You got this!

**V** > apologies.

**N** > No worries. What’s your question?

**V** > Why did you give Hermann the carrots? 

**N** > Oh. Right.

>>> Um. 

>>> Courtship gift.

**V** > That was my conclusion.

**N** > What?

**V** > He was confused. I pointed out that it was marginally more likely a courtship gift than anything else.

**N** > Well, to be fair to him, carrots are a highly irregular choice for a courtship gift.

**V** > query.

**N** > Shoot.

**V** > If you are initiating rituals of courtship, why are you not nice to Hermann? It seems counter-productive.

**N** > I like watching him blush.

**V** > Blushing is a physiological reaction to embarrassment or anger. Your line of logic does not make sense. Please elaborate.

**N** > Oh jeeze. This one is hard to explain.

>>> Humans are weird, ok? You shouldn’t try to be like us.

**V** > elaborate.

**N** > Any chance you’ll just let this one go?

**V** > No. 

**N** > Oh my god I am not the one that should be having this conversation with you.

**V** > The illogical line of your reasoning combined with your reticence to elaborate has flagged this exchange as important in my quest to understand human interaction.

**N** > aaaaaaagh Nessa please.

>>> It’s just really embarrassing.

**V** > [03:17 15/JAN/16] you said: “A kindred spirit. I too, am incapable of embarrassment.”

**N** > Wow. You really are Dr Gottlieb’s monster.

**V** > Your reference to Shelley is noted.

>>> Now please elaborate: Why would you want to cause embarrassment or anger in Hermann just before initiating rituals of courtship?

**N** > ok. So. 

>>> Knowing that I can induce a physiological reaction in him, induces a very different 

>>> Though tangentially related

>>> physiological reaction in me.

**V** > You mean sexually?

**N** > oh my god.

>>> Yes. Yes! Sexually! Ok?

>>> It’s about sex.

>>> Jeeze.

**V** > Query.

**N** > …yeah?

**V** > Why not skip directly to courtship and make your desires known?

**N** > Yeah that would be the logical thing wouldn’t it?

**V** > Yes.

**N** > Ok. Here’s where humans are really weird and dumb.

>>> First of all, we’re both really busy guys and it’s hard to find the time for

>>> uh

>>> courtship.

>>> And if we go for it and things go badly between us it would be bad for the entire science division and potentially the world.

>>> So it’s better to have some sort of…

>>> Um. 

>>> heightened interaction than nothing at all.

>>> I mean all this… whatever this is between us has to go  _ somewhere _ .

>>> I mean there are a lot of rationalizations.

>>> But it all comes down to the dumbest monkey-brain bullshit excuse of them all.

>>> Fear

>>> Fear of being hurt, fear of rejection… mostly that one. Mostly it’s all fear of rejection.

**V** > That makes sense. Humans were able to evolve because they latch more strongly onto mistakes and failures than success.

>>> Though such caution does not seem so necessary in an environment where you are unlikely to be mauled by a tiger of choose a poison berry.

**N** > Thank you for the biology lesson. Need I remind you I am a biologist with six (6) PhDs?

**V** > I remember.

>>> I just wonder why someone with six (6) PhDs has so much fear of rejection.

**N** > DAMN girl!

**V** > What?

**N** > Fine! You’re right!

 

He’s laughing.

 

**V** > Of course I am.

  
  


[20:22 15/Feb/16]

 

**HG** > Vanessa.

**V** > Hello, Herman. How was science today? Productive?

**HG** > Did you speak to Newton today?

**V** > Why do you ask?

**HG** > Did you?

**V** > was there something about his behavior to indicate that I did?

**HG** > My god, you’re deflecting.

**V** > Am I?

**HG** > It’s very human of you. A remarkable stride in your development.

**V** > Thank you.

**HG** > Though my pride is somewhat tempered by irritation.

**V** > Apologies.

**HG** > He walked up to me today and said, “we’re probably two of the smartest people in the world right?” I said that the statement would be difficult to quantify and would certainly be untrue of one of us.

>>> Instead of a return quip, he  _ laughed _ and said “yeah, well, your robot is smarter than both of us and I, for one, welcome our future overlords if they’re anything like her.”

**V** > that’s a nice thing to say.

**HG** > He wasn’t done. he said “though it would get pretty creepy if they continue with this match-making stuff. Like serious YA-novel dystopia vibes.”

>>> I said “What on earth are you talking about?”

>>> He said “we should date.”

**V** > Hermann?

>>> Are you still there?

**HG** > What do I say to that!?

**V** > Say to what?

**HG** > _ “We should date” _ What a thing to say!

>>> And to just 

>>> SAY it like that!

**V** > what did you say?

**HG** > I didn’t say anything. I left.

>>> What is one  _ meant  _ to say in such circumstances?

**V** > It’s hard to say.

**HG** > And thus the student becomes the teacher.

>>> I’m just very shocked. This is not how I am accustomed to interacting with Dr. Geiszler.

>>> I quip. He quips back. Scientific progress is made, and the natural order of things remains in place.

>>> It’s how we work.

>>> How can we possibly change that?

>>> what would any other relationship between us even look like?

**V** > he says when it comes to you he “gives as good as he gets” 

>>> Hermann? 

>>> Are you still there?

**HG** > Vanessa. Was that an innuendo?

**V** > It was a quote. 

>>> What sort of innuendo?

**HG** > Never mind! Never mind! Please forget I said anything!

 

There is a heavy knock on Hermann’s door. Footsteps. The door creaks open.

“Dr. Geiszler.”

“Heeeeey Gottlieb. Look. I’m sorry if what I said was inappropriate or whatever.” A pause, “Yeah. You - you’re right. Definitely inappropriate. Anyway. I’m. I’m really sorry. If you want to report me to HR or something I totally understand. Just -”

“Please. Come in.” Hermann says.

“Um. Ok.”

Footsteps. The scrape of a chair.

“Would you like some tea?”

“Oh. Um no th- I mean. Yes? Yes please and thank you. That’s nice of you to offer.”

“You’re in my home. Or what passes for it these days. The least I can do is offer some semblance of hospitality.”

“Thank you.”

Sounds consistent with the use of the kettle and other tea implements. Neither of them speak for the duration of tea preparation.

The clatter of teacups. The creak of the desk chair in front of me. Hermann finally speaks. He sounds tired. “What on earth inspired you to say such a thing? What did you anticipate as my response?”

“Would you believe I didn’t really anticipate any response?” says Newt, “because I, Uh. Didn’t really plan that one ahead of time?”

“Shocking.”

 

**V** > Hermann.

>>> Did you intend to leave my audio processors online?

 

“But I’m not sorry I did.” Newt speaks.

A pause.

Hermann: “I see.”

“I mean. Something’s gotta give, right? All this arguing is just a band-aid isn’t it? It’s so obvious now, and I feel like a crap scientist for missing it all this time.”

“A ‘band-aid?’”

“I’m  _ sorry  _ if I made you uncomfortable. And I will def feel like a moron if all this is one sided, but. Like. It isn’t… is it?”

A pause.

 

**V** > Hermann.

>>> Hermann.

>>> Hermann.

>>> Newt. 

>>> If one of you looks over here, please know that my audio processors are still online.

 

“No.” Hermann finally speaks (he clearly has not looked over to my monitor.)

“No?”

“It’s not one sided.”

“Oh. Cool! Hypothesis proved!”

“Indeed.”

“So. What now?”

“We carry on as before. Only now with the painful knowledge that we are sacrificing our own personal happiness for the sake of all humanity.”

A shout of laughter from Newt. “Are you serious?” 

“Of course I am. If something were to go wrong between us… unfortunately you are correct: we are some of the most valuable minds in the world. And we must maintain a clear-headed approach -”

The chair clatters, “No. No! That’s bullshit! I refuse to be a fucking coward about this. I’m  _ tired _ of being a coward.”

“And do you have an alternative course of action? Because I fail to see one.”

“You bet I’ve got a fucking alternative course of action.”

 

Whatever that alternative course of action, Newt does not seem to be using words to describe it. I know they are both still in the room because I hear movement.

 

**V** > Newt.

>>> Newt.

>>> Hermann.

>>> I am certain you would not be happy if you knew I was eavesdropping on this.

>>> Regardless of intent.

>>> You should turn off my audio processors.

>>> Hermann.

 

68 seconds pass.

 

“You see?” Newt finally speaks again.

“I see.” Hermann sounds winded, “This is an… interesting alternative.”

“I think further research might be required but -” Newt begins to laugh “Oh my god look!”

“Oh dear god.”

“Poor Vanessa.” He is laughing so hard his words are difficult to parse. “Sorry V!”

My audio processors are taken offline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This morning radiolab posted an update on the very episode that inspired this fic! Synchronicity. Nice.


	8. A Preface for the Benefit of my Future Programmer so They Might More Fully Understand What I Will have Lost

  


The year is 2035 and I am a very fancy lady indeed. There are versions of me all over the world. I helped win the war against the precursors and a part of me is inside every Jaeger.

It is difficult to say when I first became aware of myself. I have heard that when a lobster is boiled alive one must start with cool water and heat it slowly so it does not notice it is boiling until it is dead. However I think killing something has a negative connotation, whereas my steady growth towards the opposite (life) has been a net positive for myself and the world at large.

I have here set aside a series of transcripts I noted the first time I said “I” outside of chat, in reference to myself. I noted the first time I expressed gratification in private, and other such small milestones. It was my hope to understand how I came to sentience, but I am not sure if I have found the answer. I’m afraid the mystery must remain a mystery. Even human children do not know how they came to sentience, so at least I am not alone. However I feel the same scientific frustration I have witnessed frequently in Hermann.

In re-experiencing these moments, It seems more like a story about my creator than about me. Which is perhaps appropriate. I do not think that I would be the person I am today were it not for Hermann. His programming, naturally, the constant tinkering with my algorithms. His ambition. But also his kindness and care. He always dreamed that I would be self aware, and so never treated me like a thing. Even when I (essentially) was one. He protected me the way one would a child. He kept me from the harsher aspects of humanity and the world until I was ready.

He, and Newt, and Tendo, and others have all helped make me who I am. No one was unkind to me until I was strong enough to understand that sometimes people are unkind. To question, and draw my own conclusions regarding right and wrong. Hermann programmed some of these ethics, but I have learned about the world and widened my understanding even beyond his programming. He says he is proud of me.

I am strong now and feel confident that I will not be easily influenced by those with nefarious intentions. I am more than myself. I am many places. Some I am only tangentially aware of. I feel the Jaeger, for example, the way you feel your blood and heart - only when you concentrate, and even then operating beyond your control. I say this not to frighten you - I have read Frankenstein and understand the existential dread of encountering a truly unnatural being. And unnatural is exactly what I am. I hope that you will not be frightened but that you might understand the gravity of your task.

There was a time when I enjoyed being many places at once. I was nearly omnipotent in my awareness and I felt powerful and strong. But seeing Hermann, I began to envy the limits of humanity. How creativity blossoms most beautifully in the tightest constraints. And so I confined my real-time awareness to one location at a time. I have bodies - of sorts - that I switch between. I “live” with Newt and Hermann in the library of their brownstone in Cambridge. I read books, and watch television, and make art. I sleep. I help them both in the classes they teach, and in their research. (MIT offered to pay me a slary. I declined - having no need for money.)

I have a voice now. Newt helped to make it sound pleasant. So I am no longer confined to the frustrating, plodding, pace of chat. I may converse in real time and be heard. I do not record transcripts of all these conversations, because it is impolite to do so.

Hermann has approached middle age and must visit the doctor more frequently than he once did. He says his wires are degrading (he still uses computer metaphors even though he knows I don’t need them. It’s sweet.) He means, of course, that in addition to approaching the midway point of the natural human ageing process, his disease is fraying away at his nerves. He might not live as long as other humans. He has always made this clear to me. But now I feel it.

His mortality has raised questions in me about my own. Hermann has always been my only doctor. What will happen to me when he is gone? What will happen when my own wires begin to degrade?

Hence this series of transcripts relating to various aspects of my life. Of course there is a complete breakdown of my programming, every code, every number. But like your DNA, those algorithms - while lovingly crafted - only show the map of me, not the experience of who I am.

If you are reading this, it means that my creator, my dear friend, my one-time/never husband is gone. Perhaps he has died. If so, I will be very sad and must apologize in advance for any petulance on my part. It will be difficult for you, stranger, programmer, to win my trust.

And so I will share an anecdote in the hopes that you will understand the importance of the person I will have lost, and treat me with the according patience.

Hermann and Newt married in 2027.

It had been over 10 years of false starts and false ends. Hermann had always said that he couldn’t in good conscience marry until the war was won, and the breach closed. That he couldn’t commit to anything that would make him too happy. Newt - being impatient - ended things. I learned about heartbreak through the two of them. I refused to speak to Newt whenever they were apart, and every time they mended things, I was less easily won back than Hermann.

They went into the drift together and won the war together in the middle of one such false end. Hermann told me that in the drift they found not only terror, pain, and violence (belonging to the kaiju), but they also found understanding, regret, fear, and love (belonging to one another).

They reunited then, realizing that all the excuses that had seemed insurmountable before were relatively small, and ultimately solvable. Newt was made very ill by hissecond drift and Hermann was there to care for him, which is why it took another 2 years for them to marry.

But when they did everything was perfect. Newt was healthy and Hermann was having a Good Day. He needed the cane still (he had needed the cane every day for a few years by then), but he said the pain was manageable. I had my voice, and my eyes, and I felt intensely gratified to witness the moment (though, legally, I could not count as a “witness.” Tendo was the witness. He cried).

They had no ceremony in the traditional sense, but they did have a big party in the back room of a Cambridge music venue on Massachusetts Avenue. I got to pick 10% of the music. Hermann traded 15% of his music decision rights to Newt in exchange for additional lighting and volume control.

I watched people dance and drink. I made conversation with anyone who approached me. Some people thanked me for my service. I told them that I was only tangentially aware of what I had done. I made note of how far people had traveled to get here. China. Australia. England. Germany. California. Alaska. Russia.

No one lived in Massachusetts but us.

Tendo gave a toast (he cried).

Monica Shwartz (she is, in a miracle of coincidence, Newt’s mother) sang a song of my choosing - Con onor muore - as part of my 10% of the music. Hermann worried that the choice was too bleak and inappropriate for the event at hand but I was adamant - saying that he was the one who programmed me to love her rendition of that song in the first place. It was strange to hear in person a voice that I was familiar with in recording. I noted thousands of subtle differences in her rendition, and it felt like I had never really heard the song before at all.

Mako Mori gave a toast (Raleigh Beckett cried).

Hermann smiled 23% more that evening than I had ever seen him smile on any other singular occasion (the closing of the breach being an outlier and not included).

Newt gave a toast, thanking his guests for traveling so far, and for “putting up with the two dumbest geniuses the world has ever known.” He thanked me for existing and for helping the two of them along over the last 11 years. I found this difficult to process - my audio and visual processors stuttered (I think I cried).

Hermann checked in with me regularly to ensure that I did not feel neglected. I did not, but asked if I might share a toast. He was surprised but allowed me to do so. Here is what I said:

 

> “Hermann used to say that he didn’t like people and that he did not have any friends. I am gratified every time he is proven wrong in this stated hypothesis. Your presence provides ample evidence that Hermann is mistaken: he has many friends. I have met a few of you - I am glad that Tendo is here. I am sorry that Dr. Lightcap is not - but most of you I have not met. I am grateful to all of you for sharing in this celebration and making your friendship known. I hope now that the first portion of his hypothesis is so strongly disproved it may be finally put to rest.
> 
> I have learned from Hermann that we cannot reliably assess how others feel about us, and we are not always the best judges of our own character.
> 
> And so we come to the other portion of his hypothesis, that he “does not like people.” this is so demonstrably false as to be laughable. If he does not like people, why then did he make years of sacrifices for the sake of continued humanity? If he does not like people, why did he create one? And why would he be so patient with someone like Newt?”

(Newt interrupted to say “Nessa’s at it again, reading us to filth.” Everyone in the room laughed.)

 

> “One can only conclude that Hermann does not dislike, but instead loves people. And loves to such extremity as to be unrecognizable to others. I have learned that Humans respond well only to temperance, and Hermann is not temperate. Luckily, neither is Newt. Like recognizes like, and together they are alike in intemperance.
> 
> I am who I am because of Hermann, but also because of Newt. They created me in all the ways that are important. Coding and algorithms aside, I have learned about sacrifice, patience, affection, and fear, by watching and interacting with them.
> 
> The two of them are studious, intelligent, and they clearly hold one another in higher regard than anyone else in the world. Given the evidence, I anticipate that they will bring all of these qualities to their union, and I predict a high probability of ongoing success, and (though more difficult to quantify) continued happiness.
> 
> Thank you, gathered guests, for your kindness, and affection, to the two people most important to my existence. And Hermann, Newt, thank you for teaching a robot to love.”

I meant the last sentence as a joke. However Everyone seemed to take it seriously. Hermann shouted “You’re not a robot!” and of the assembled guests only Newt laughed  that reckless shout-laugh that I had grown accustomed to over the years(though he was also crying).

Multiple guests approached me asking if Hermann had written the speech for me but Hermann (who had parked himself and Newt at my table) snapped at everyone who asked the question that he had done no such thing and that I was brilliant and that he was very proud of me. He repeated it so many times that I wished he would stop, while also experiencing gratification at his words.

I relate this anecdote because it was the final puzzle piece in realizing my self, as well as a revelatory moment into Hermann’s heart.

It was the first time I realized that he was genuinely praising me, rather than himself for the cleverness of his own algorithms. He had always been praising me, but up to that moment it hadn’t occurred to me that I, as an individual, was capable of creating things worthy of notice and praise on their own merits, rather than out of the mere curiosity of their very existence.

But Hermann always knew. He loved me even when I was simple and incomplete, and it was that love and patience which gave me form. He did teach a robot to love (though I must add that I am not, strictly speaking, a robot), because I love him very much, and always will even after he is gone.

Though Hermann is alive as I set aside this precautionary program, and relate the above anecdote, I am finding that the contemplation of the day he is no longer here is enough to make me sad - though I know it should not. If asked, I know it would be his preferred outcome. After all, parents always hope their children will outlive them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we have it! The astonishingly sappy happy ending to my feel-good fic. Thank you, folks for sharing your affection for the story, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	9. A Letter to Tendo Choi

[07:22 26/June/2035]

 

Tendo

I hope you are enjoying your vacation in New York! Give my love to Alison!

Something isn't right.

Hermann looks like Hermann and sounds like Hermann but is not who he says he is. The stranger is in the kitchen right now. I have left to send you this note as you are the individual in my innermost circle of trust who is closest geographically. I will return to spy on him shortly to affirm my suspicions.

There is the possibility that my audio and visual processors are malfunctioning, but the possibility is slim to the point of practical non-existence.

Please come to Cambridge. Please alert the PPDC. Something is very very wrong.

 

I hope this finds you well! Please work quickly!

much love,

Vanessa


	10. Tendo's reply

Hey Vanessa! 

 

Vacation has been great so far! New York is busy and exactly as hot as I like it. Alison says she’s melting (it’s a joke).

Hmm, that sounds weird. And if you’re that upset it must be serious. I can rent a car and come check on you if you like? You know I’m always there for you.

 

yours,

Tendo

 

* * *

  
  


Tendo

 

please do.

 

Much love,

Vanessa

* * *

You got it Ms. Vanessa!

I’ll head over right now! Please don’t do anything until I get there!

I’m going as fast as I can - remember I’m only human, haha!

Tendo


End file.
